Rhea Daniels is a married TG person with a supportive and active spouse. Out and active again in the past few years after a hiatus of some time, she founded Rhea’s Cafe, an open and welcoming trans discussion group held in the Albany, New York area. She founded Rhea’s Cafe as a group that will welcome all because she is a true believer that we can all figure out a way to get along. She was also the primary organizer of my recent appearance in Albany.
1. Rhea’s Cafe is a nice group – how did you decide to start it? Do you have rules or guidelines, or are you making it up as you go?
I really wanted to make a contribution, to help build community and help initiate a new “shared vision” for what that community could be. Our local ‘T” umbrella organization had foundered after a few years of strife. A few smaller groups remained but there appeared to be a lot of mistrust. I had been away from the community for several years and it was a real eye opener that much of what I had assumed would be there when I wanted to come back wasn’t around anymore.
After giving it some thought and talking to many trans people I came up with the “Cafe concept”. The underlying premise was that transgender people from differing points of the trans continuum could get together share experiences, respect each other, and work towards common goals .I wanted to foster an environment that debunked the assumption that CD’s and TS’s, and everyone else in between, couldn’t get along.
Rhea’s Cafe is a trans discussion group that meets monthly and is welcoming of trans and gender variant people at any point of the continuum, of any sexual orientation or lifestyle, their families, friends, and supporters.I do have experience working with people in groups and utilized a structured discussion format of about 75 minutes followed by an equal amount of informal “social” or “support” talk
I set up a few simple rules which have served us well.
- The first is a statement that we are not a support group per se but a discussion group. I think this helps to temper everyone’s expectations and avoid the trap of trying to provide support to everyone who comes in the door. The funny thing is that most folks do get support in the group too, but primarily it is a safe place, which welcomes and respects everyone who participates.
- There is no set agenda or guest who dictates the agenda. I respect the issues that each participant brings to the group and each of them contributes to the topics we discuss each month. Special guests do attend, and they may bring specific information to be shared , but they don’t dominate the entire discussion.
- The expectation that everyone treats each other with respect.
- I act as the moderator who can steer discussions or arbitrate disputes, which rarely occur.
- Confidentiality is not required because this is a rule that I would be unable to enforce.
- No illegal drugs or alcohol on the premises.
- Changing space is provided for those who need it.
- Newbies and SO’s are always welcomed.
So those are the basic rules. There will be some modification or “making it up as I go along” because I think that every process must evolve. In some ways I’m just starting to scratch the surface with the Cafe concept.
I play with the Cafe concept a bit. As an example, We have had music performed at two recent Cafe’s. We have at least one acomplished trans musician who regularly attends the Cafe and another musician who is a friend.
What is exciting is that people are starting to work together both in and outside of the group and others are joining in a spirit of cooperation.
One of our regular members is planning on starting a group of her own utilizing the same principles in another community. It is exciting that the Cafe concept is spreading.
2. You mentioned that you had taken a break from being involved in transgender community, but you came back recently: why did you take the break, and what motivated you to return?
I had been very active in the early nineties and then I met and fell in love with my spouse. She was, and is, the love of my life. We concentrated on parenting our 4 teenaged children and although I still dressed at home when the opportunity arose, I withdrew from the community which I was getting a little tired of at the time. Our children had a lot of adjusting to do and we decided not to expect them to accept my cross-dressing because they were still adapting to being in a new family and I wasn’t planning on being out full time.
A few years back I realized that I really missed connecting with other trans people and started to get back in touch with our community. The Internet made it pretty easy and within a short time I was back in touch with a group I had been associated with that had evolved from a Tri-Ess chapter into an unstructured social group over time. I was a bit disappointed that much of what else had existed of the local TG community was gone. This was a real eye opener for me. I came to realize that you couldn’t always expect or assume a community and structure of supports would be available unless you are willing to be involved yourself
and work on building and maintaining them.
In all honesty I also believe that I withdrew from the community because I didn’t want to deal with my own “slippery slope” issues that were inherent with being more out. As part of this process my wife Julin and I have had to deal with some of these issues which I had postponed. It was an adjustnment. We had the help of a very skilled couple’s counselor who was also very trans affirming. I think we were lucky in this regard to find someone who did couples and trans people real well.
3. How do you intend for Rhea’s Cafe to make room for partners?
Well I have always had a high regard for partners and like to connect with them. I’m probably similar to Betty in that regard. My memories of my first IFGE Convention consist of how many partners I spoke to there. I see the same thing when Julin comes to First Event with me every year. Lots of attendees enjoy speaking with a supportive spouse. Julin is supportive but she has her limits and we sometimes have things that we have to work out as a couple. Julin is interested in connecting with other partners/spouses too.
In the Cafe I make it a point to create an atmosphere where spouses/so’s/partners are welcomed. One of the ways I see the Cafe evolving is perhaps the development of a spouses/partners group or support network.You probably should talk to Julin more about this. She has some specific ideas about the needs of partners and is real emphatic that partners/spouses should define their place in the trans community, not trans people and , I agree with her too.
4. So far, what’s the most difficult thing about running the group? The most rewarding?
Actually it hasn’t been that hard or difficult. I worried a little about people getting along but, I have to say, for the most part, that folks havebeen wonderful and very respectful. I think it helps for me to stay centered myself. My only complaint is I never quite know how many people to expect because folks aren’t real good about RSVPing! But we always have a good crowd. Things have a way of working out.
The most rewarding- I think it’s connecting with so many different folks with so many stories to tell. I really enjoy providing a safe place for people to connect and share.
5. How do you find members or ‘advertise’ the group?
I spoke to a lot of trans people I knew through the social group I participated in. One of the leaders of that group was particularly helpful and supportive.I also reached out to folks in other groups too. I used the Internet extensively to advertise. I am in the process of constructing a website www.rheascafe.org. I do however want to be sure that I reach out to folks who don’t have internet access and I will be making more efforts to do that in the coming months. If anyone has any more questions about the group I would be happy to answer them. I can be reached at rheadan@localnet.com.
