As those of you who are reading/have read She’s Not the Man I Married know, Valentine’s Day has always been some kind of locus of confusion for me & Betty. We’re in much better shape now than we once were, though when we’re planning dinner, or just having the “So what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” conversation, there’s still this silent thing that hangs in the air.
That silent thing is what gender Betty is going to be, which she’ll be perceived as, & how exactly I’m supposed to interact with that gender.
Mostly now I try to go into Valentine’s Day assuming that the person I’m with will be seen as female, which pretty much wrecks the PDAs that I prefer. Sometimes the reality that I really miss having a male partner lands squarely in my lap on Valentine’s Day, too, so I have to wrestle with the guilt and fear I still fear in having a trans partner. The thing is, I still don’t know how to be romantic with her if I’m not feeling masculine-ascendant myself; I don’t know how to be female with a female partner. & This year, maybe because I’m feeling vulnerable because the new book is out there, or because we’re going to have “the big talk” about Betty’s transness with some important people in our lives, I’m feeling a bit – intrepid.
Sometimes I just think Valentine’s Day should be tossed altogether. I mean all it does is make single people miserable and puts a lot of pressure on couples that are newly together – well, on all couples, I think. I mean how many of us are the types in the jewelry ads, having dinner & being presented with the new diamond solitaire? No one I know is like that, but kudos to anyone who is. But for me, this year, despite a planned dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, my feeling is:
Down with Cupid!
lyrics to “The Man Who Murdered Love”
by XTC, from the CD Wasp Star
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
He was begging on his bended knee
For me to put him from his misery
He hadn’t worked at all this century
Said I’d do a job for all humanity
I put a bullet in his sugar head
He thanked me kindly then he layed down dead
Phoney roses blossomed where he bled
Then all the cheering angels shook my hand and said
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
There’ll be no more pain from broken hearts
And no more lovers to be torn apart
Before you throw me in your dungeon dark
Your honour, they’ll be putting statues up in every park
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
So dear public I’m here to confess
That I’m the one who freed us from this mess
Love won’t be calling at your adress
‘Cause what you never had you never miss, I guess
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?