8 Replies to “Riddle Me This”

  2. Ditto the above. I live with the first one. I’m more happy and more content.

    Lowering standards – those words, for me, have more of a moral context. Lowering standards makes me think of not bathing, skimming money from the cash register at work, tolerating physically abusive behavior.

    Lowering expectations implies (for me) recognizing and respecting the limitations a partner may have (expecting her to attend more social events, when she’s phobically shy) and working around them, instead of against them.

  3. I think having realistic expectations of your loved one’s capabilities and personality is one thing. I see expectations as aspects you would want, but not necessarily need.

    Although, that begs the question: If one person has no expectations of their loved one, yet strives to fulfill their loved one’s expectations on them, is that a healthy relationship for both of them? I guess that would depend on a lot of different individual factors as well.

    Maybe it’s because some of us are in two different places in our relationships. Having been together with my spouse for a long time, I don’t have expectations that she be one way or another, or that she enjoy the things I do. We went through that a long time ago and have settled into a more comfortable place with respect to our own interests and the way we do things. Does it irk me that she does things she knows drives me crazy? Of course. I expect she feels the same way sometimes towards me.

    I see standards as more of a need. I think everyone has a way they basically need to be treated. A lot of the women who have been in long term relationships that I’ve spoken to seem to have very low standards in the way they are treated by their loved ones. Whether this is something we are socialized to accept and we go into the relationship with this unconscious mindset or it develop laters and we are conditioned within the relationship is still a curiosity for me.

    It really seems to be all definitions and semantics at this point.

  4. 1) Brings you both closer to the love and reality of who you are together… brings you closer.
    2) Maintains the illusion that you alone know better… drives you further apart.

    Thanks for the riddle. Happy new year.

  5. There is no difference, they’re only slightly different facets of the same reality, yours. The qualitative measure to either is also yours. Expectations implies some future ideals, but conflicts with the reality of the partner’s ability to achieve them. And standards implies present, but again, are they too high in the face of reality, and maybe confused with expectations?

    The riddle seems more a sematic argument to the same view of things.

  6. I think the first post nailed it. The reality may be the same but the approach is very different. The meetings I go to have a saying: “an expectation is a premeditated resentment”. Lowering my expectations is about treating myself and others better by default. Expectations create drama by setting everyone up to fail.
    Lowering my standards means I’m putting up with things that make me uncomfortable. I worked for two drug addicts,so my standards were low(reflecting my self esteem at that point) but when I saw them walking up to the line of committing fraud, I got out any way I could. I struggle with the standards for my own serenity and comfort living in my home today; that’s about making a decision to stay, go or change things, not creating more drama by expecting things to be different.

  7. To kind of condense from what Madame George said, I think it’s an issue of directionality and focus.

    1) is looking at your partner’s needs, and deciding that you can meet them (or not).
    2) is looking at your own needs, and discounting their validity in order to bring them in line with your partner’s expectations.

  8. I like the previous comments, and I’d like to put another spin on it:

    It’s not really about negotiating realistic expectations with your partner. So many of us “expect” them to do something, and it’s perfectly reasonable to us, but we’ve never communicated it, and they have no clue. So, they don’t know what’s expected, they’re not doing what we expect, ergo we get ticked off. There’s a school I’m associated with that says “Expectations are premeditated resentments”. In other words, when I let myself have (unreasonable or unnegotiated) expectations of what you’ll do, then I’m just setting up an excuse for me to be ticked off when you don’t do what I expected.

    So, I’d rephrase #1 as “clearly negotiating expectations with one’s partner”.

    #2 seems to imply almost a giving up — my partner never does the dishes, they’ll never do the dishes, there’s no use in my asking them to do the dishes, so I lower my expectations of their behavior. To me, it reeks of a lack of communications. “It’s too hard to talk to them” — well, tough, that’s what good relationships are about. If you can’t bring yourself to talk to them, then be satisfied with your misery. 😉
    -Jude B

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