Getting Ready

I’m somewhat anxiously but also excitedly getting ready to get on a train Wednesday in order to speak at a couple of colleges. Packing, getting books/work ready, all of that. & It’s a nutty process for someone who is somewhat of a homebody, and I can’t even begin to think about how much I’ll miss the cats.

& Yes, Betty too – of course I’m going to miss Betty – the difference is that I can tell Betty where I’m going and when I’ll be back (& that she’ll be flying to meet me in about five days) and the kittoi can’t know that.

So, back to list-making so I don’t forget anything when I start packing.

Partners, Why Not?

For the past three weeks I’ve been co-moderating a Trans Partners’ group at the LGBT Center in Manhattan, and for three weeks we’ve had outright pathetic attendance.
In the meanwhile, I get emails all the time from partners, and I’m in groups online where they post, and they’ve got plenty to say. This group is cheap/free, and yet very few people are coming, and I can’t figure out why.
So partners, why aren’t you coming? Is your partner stealth/closeted & you’re scared about outing him/her by showing up? Do you think it’s a huge bitch session? Do you think it’s a bunch of cheerleaders? Do you think you have nothing in common with other partners? Do you think your stuff isn’t important enough to talk about? Would you rather not think about your partner being trans altogether?
I know you’ve got stuff to talk about, because you write to me, and to other partners, and you post in groups online.
So tell me why you’re not coming.

Austin College

As it turns out, I’ll also be speaking at Austin College, which is in Sherman, TX – near Dallas. Believe it or not, I’m taking the train there – from New York to Chicago, where I’ll speak at Purdue, and then all the way down to Texas, and then the whole thing in reverse when I’m done.
I’ll be doing a lecture that’s open to the public while I’m at Austin College, at 4:30 on 11/1. Details as to where on campus, etc., to come.

5th Preview of She's Not the Man I Married

This preview of She’s Not the Man I Married comes from Chapter 5: Wearing the Pants. I read from this chapter the other day at Columbia, but not this section.

Women in relationships with trans people often already feel forced to accept change they’re not excited about, and so they dig in their heels. But one of the things I ask partners to do when I’m giving workshops or lending an ear privately is to define what “feeling like the woman” in the relationship means to them and what it would take for them to feel that way. “Feeling like the woman” is not about the natural order of things but about how you feel about the person you love, and how the person you love makes you feel about you. When we partners say such things, we usually mean some specific things: Some women mean they want to be seduced; others really like the little mash notes or presents their husbands have left for them; still others want the sense of security that having a provider-husband gives them. For me, it was Betty’s love and attention, her pride in our relationship, that always made me feel “like the woman.” It was the little things he did that made me feel prized; he always kissed me before he went to the restroom, even if I were engaged in a conversation and might not have noticed he’d gone and come back. Identifying those things that make you feel the way you want to in a relationship helps you preserve what makes you feel valued and special. For us, it provided the chance to work things out despite these seismic shifts in our lives.

Regarding Transgender Tapestry #110

I received my copy of Transgender Tapestry #110 the other day, and so turned immediately to the Book Review section, as I’d been asked to write a review of Richard/Alice Novic’s Alice in Genderland quite a while back.

I had also been told, by Richard Novic and by then-editor Dallas Denny, that Richard Novic didn’t like my review, and had requested TT run a more favorable review instead. Ms. Denny opted to run both reviews, side by side, and told me as much. I was okay with her decision, even though I found Novic’s request somewhat odd, as I wrote what was at worst a mixed review, but by no means a bad one. (I even used the phrase, “highly recommended” which is generally not found in a bad review.)

That was as much as I knew until I received my copy in the mail the other day. It was quite a surprise to see, in addition to my review and the requested 2nd review, a note by Richard Novic effectively rebutting my own review and plainly stating “I was hoping that as a reviewer, she might rise above the way my book affected her personally. . .” In addition, she mentioned how “surprised” she was that TT had chosen me to review her “life story.”

For the record, then, a few corrections.

(1) Richard Novic specifically requested, by email, that I review Alice in Genderland for TT. Suffice it to say the new editor of TT, Denise LeClair, and the old editor of TT, Dallas Denny, both have a copy of said email.

(2) The review I did submit had been re-written several times after I let Richard Novic read it and before I sent it to TT. She was not happy with my original draft(s), so I softened a good deal of my criticism of it.

(3) I sent Richard Novic my review of her book beforehand only as a personal favor, and in fact re-wrote the piece some only because we had become somewhat friendly over time. He had written to me on previous occasions, having read my book, to ask advice about publishing houses & the like, and I gave her what information I could about the advantage of publishing with a house as opposed to independently. I do not and did not harbor any personal animosity toward Richard Novic, but I have learned my lesson: I will not let someone read a review I’ve written before submitting it for publication again.

(4) Dallas Denny was not responsible for the inclusion of Alice Novic’s “note” about my review, having resigned her post as editor between the time she submitted the two reviews and the actual publication of TT #110. She has said she found the publication of such a rebuttal in TT an embarrassment both to Richard Novic and to TT.

(5) Generally speaking, authors do not rebut their reviews. It’s considered bad form. They may occasionally factually correct a reviewer, if anything.

(6) The announcement in the same issue of TT that Richard Novic is to be one of TT’s regular columnists makes the publication of that note even more unprofessional and smacks of favoritism.

Finally, I want to state that I stand by my review. The idea that my “personal feelings” overwhelmed my professional considerations is laughable; after all, half of what I do professionally is advocate for partners! More than anything, however, I wanted people – crossdressers especially – to understand how rare and highly individual Dr. Novic’s situation is, so that they would not make the tragic mistake of expecting their own wives to accept their having boyfriends on the side. As it is, so many wives are already stretched to the limit in terms of accepting and honoring their husbands’ crossdressing. I will also reiterate that I found Richard Novic’s honesty about his own bisexualism and his journey toward self-acceptance laudable and useful.

If people would like to read more reviews of the book – including some of my more personal feelings about it – do check the thread on our message boards where some of our regular posters chimed in as to their own feelings about the book, too.

Details about Columbia

Just a reminder that I’ll be speaking at Columbia U. on Monday, October 9, 7:00pm – 8:30pm, in the Sulzberger Parlor Room, Barnard College. It’s open to the public.
Here are directions to Barnard’s campus (which is right across the street from Columbia):
http://www.barnard.edu/visitors/directions.html
Here is a map of campus that shows where the Sulzberger building is located:
http://www.barnard.edu/visitors/map2006.pdf
Click the 9th on QUAM’s October calendar for the full description.