Scrawny Shoes

The other day, just for fun, Betty and I popped our heads into a shoestore around 14th Street – not the DSW, the other one. I had envied Tom’s shoes that night at Yale, and all of my own shoes are very very scrappy-looking indeed, which is fine for daily wear, but I’ve always believed one should have at least one pair of shoes good enough for church.
I found a sharp pair of Kenneth Coles – square toe, visible stitching – and was told first that they were men’s shoes. When I didn’t scare so easily, the clerk told me they only started at men’s size 7 which is at least a women’s size 8.
[sigh] I’m a women’s 7 & 1/2, max, usually a 7. [/sigh]
So I went to the women’s section of Kenneth Cole – just for shits & giggles, since I knew what I’d find – and found all these… scrawny shoes. Thin little ballet slipper shoes with thin soles or thin heels or both. It made me sad. There wasn’t enough shoe to any of them. I miss the era of unisex, urban shoes.
But, still optimistic, I went online and checked that shoe behemoth zappos.com. Women’s shoes : Oxfords revealed about 15 pairs, not all of which were actually Oxfords. I tried Men’s : Oxfords and found plenty, but nearly all of them started, like Ken Cole’s, at size 7. The ones that didn’t were either extraordinarily expensive or looked a little too much like the shoes an out-of-touch mom might buy her teenage son for his confirmation – or a funeral. And even he’d have the good sense to not like them.
So alas, I checked Dr. Marten’s, and they had shoes. Not the steel-toed ones I’d seen at Trash & Vaudeville, but shoes made for something a little less dainy than picking flowers.
dms
At long last I gave in and checked ebay, where I bid on (and won) a pair of stand issue, unisex, black DMs. For $5.50. I bid and won another, slighly different pair, for $9. That will hold me for a couple of years, no doubt – the shoes I wear most often I bought before I met Betty. (We’re celebrating our 8th anniversary this April.)
And crossdressers wonder why I don’t like to talk about shoes. For me, shoe shopping is often a hostile universe, where my requests are so often met with comments like “these only have a small heel” or “but it’s not much pink.” As a kid, I wanted the round-toed sneakers the boys wore, not those pointy tennies girls were supposed to wear. Ah, to un-dainty my dainty feet. At least Betty & I got to laugh over the fact that if I ever transitioned, my feet would be my “tell.” Ironically, I grew up thinking I had very large feet, because – c’mon, you can guess this one – I had older brothers who convinced me I did. When I was 25 or so, I actually said, “I know I have big feet” to a shoe salesman, who then asked how tall I was. When I answered (5’6″) he looked at me like I was from another planet. “Those are small feet, for your height,” he said simply.

Gender Gift Horse

A recent comment to a not-so-recent blog post required a thoughtful response. The subject was my dislike of the term “gender gifted” and while Michele pointed out some excellent reasons to prefer the term, I’m not an easy mind to change.
So let me explain a little moreso why I think the term is inappropriate, if not inexact.
I suppose there are a few reasons I think the way I do about the term “gender gifted.” One of them is that I think positivity-phrasing can often delude people in terms of the difficulty involved, and I don’t think that’s good for a few reasons: 1) the general public shouldn’t think it’s easy/a choice to be trans; 2) trans people should be aware of what they’re getting into when they open that Pandora’s Box; and 3) trans people need to be aware of what their partners, family, & friends may go through as a result of their transness.
I want to stress that I don’t believe it needs to be as simple as “it’s either a blessing or a curse.” Fire is both. Anger is both. Lust is both. Parents, even, are both. I can’t choose, and won’t.
But mostly I think what we’re coming up against is a sensibility difference: I find it easier to get through the world by knowing when my glass is half-empty, so I can start figuring out how I’m going to fill it. Others prefer to see it half-full until it’s empty. You can call me a worrywart (which I am), or the “pulls no punches” type, but either way I think that’s the real difference between what’s being said.
I think it’s been too long that people have considered transpeople crazy, reckless, or just out of touch with reality. And most people – if faced with any decision that might require the loss of job, partner, and home; a change of every piece of ID; tens of thousands of dollars of surgery and/or hormone maintenance – would say, that’s a f*** of a lot to go through for anything, much less a gift. So the whole idea of calling it “gifted” rings false for anyone who isn’t trans; remember, we’re not inside your heads and can’t (and probably won’t) ever understand any anything that would motivate a person to go through so much. And you do go through that much, whether you transition or not. – I assume that’s one part we can’t disagree on, yes?
To me, using the term “gender gifted” is much like being the kind of person who stands in a doorway when it’s raining and is thankful that the flowers are getting a good long drink. They may be honest, they may be sweet, they may love flowers. But the other people in that doorway who have been kept from getting to work, or home, or wherever they’re supposed to be, will think that person is just a little too out of touch, and a little well – touched, as well.
It doesn’t mean they’re wrong; it just means that their perspective may be perceived as a little left of center – which is okay on its own. I have no doubt that transfolks need upbeat types around to get through a day (or a life). I don’t think a unified message is necessary; I think the trans community needs its many voices, and many perspectives, in order to get everyone what they need.

Hollywood

I’m a little upset that they (Lifetime, and Sony Pictures) have chosen a male actor for the role of Gwen Araujo. I just don’t get the point of it – why not have a girl play her? Gwen did not experience 20 years of testosterone, and she never lived as a man at all. Maybe as a boy, but even that – very briefly. Shoot, she didn’t get to live long at all, much less as either gender.
Not only does it make me sad but it frustrates me, too. I just think, after all she went through, we might have given her that. But of course, not everyone agrees with me.
The guy they cast may do a good job, but still.
Years ago I wrote a paper about how I was tired of books about women where the heroine of the story died at the end. I think I’d just read Chopin’s The Awakening, but it could have been lots of others. When do strong women get to live? was the final line of the paper, and now, (ahem) years later, I find myself asking the same thing about transpeople in movies.

Identity & Belonging, Continued

As if to encourage me to pick up where I left off, I got an email today from Meg, who is both a talented cartoonist and writer. She’s been looking at resources for writers, and so came upon the Ghettoe of the Womyn Author – as I like to call it. So another aspect of this sense of identity has come to mind – of parsing not just who else decides you belong, but where you yourself decide you do. And whether you want to.
I’ll be honest – for me it’s a case of sour grapes. I was always too white and even middle-class for multi-culti spaces, and the connections I did make working for an African-American author for nearly a decade did me no good whatsoever. Likewise, I wasn’t actually white in the sense of having privilege or connections or time to do internships; like a lot of other poorer folks, I worked my way though college, but because my parents had a house, I didn’t qualify financially.
In a sense, culturally I always felt like the many millions of Americans who make too much money to qualify for Medicare but who don’t have enough money to get decent insurance: between pillar and post.
I didn’t get the perks of being a ‘woman author’ as a result – it’s not like there are a ton of grants & scholarships out there for women writers, anyway, as the people who might fund such things are often – ba rump bump! – women authors and not making a ton of money themselves (cf. A Room of One’s Own, of course). But being “just an author” is somewhat impossible, too – as in class after class, I watched guys of relative competence get more attention from professors then my fellow women writers did, and people who had more money and privilege who were able to afford even the time to write, and who Knew the Right People.
(My favorite story, told by a professor of mine, was from when he was deciding whether or not to do his PhD, as he was writing reviews for Vogue and doing alright, starting to make a name for himself. And at parties he’d talk to other freelance journalists, trying to find out if they were making a living writing, and they’d always cough into their hands, and quietly say, “I have a little something” which he finally parsed to mean trust fund. He got his PhD.)
That is, the system is biased against you, but doing anything about that bias – tosses you into the ghetto. And I imagine it’s similar with being an LGBT writer, or an African American writer, or – etc. Luckily some identities become fashionable, as an Hispanic writer friend of mine has since found out. But unfortunately, despite the paucity of women journalists, humorists, & the like, there is nothing fashionable about being a women author anymore. I’m not sure there ever was; after all, we did invent the form, so theoretically, the writer’s trade has been a woman’s all along.
So while I understand the urge to be only an author, and not a woman-author, I’m afraid that’s not possible. What I suggested to Meg and what I suggest to any woman author is to make a trip to Chicago’s Women & Children First bookstore, where she can – probabably for the first time in her life – be in a bookstore full of books by women, and see one dinky little shelf labelled “Books by Male Authors.”
Then laugh, & get back to work.

Woman, in Suit

I saw a woman on the subway today who was remarkable in more than one way. For starters, she was tall, but wearing square heels of at least 2.5″, and wearing a women’s suit that fit her perfectly. She had no coat on like everyone else – just a pair of leather gloves.
I assume she was going somewhere underground to somewhere else underground, or maybe she was Norwegian and scoffed at what we call cold in NY. I only saw her for a minute, and she had a large frame, and for a minute I wondered if my eye was different, or if she just was what she was so perfectly, so confidently, & so comfortably, that she made me feel quite proud of being strong, and not petite, and womanly, at once.

Women's Skating

I am not big on the Olympics, by any stretch, but Beauty & the Geek isn’t on this week, so Betty & I are catching some of the Women’s Figure Skating, and I have to say that I’m very impressed with these pantsuit/bodystocking outfits. Not because they’re sexy (or not only because they’re sexy) but because I didn’t know that had happened – I thought it was all about the short skirts and booty hang.
I’m pleased to see it. I find them sexier than the dorky skirts – just my opinion – because they really do show off what fantastic, strong, graceful bodies these women have.
irina

Belonging

Donna mentioned recently that she won’t join some organization (I think it was an alumnae association) until they add the T for Transgender as right now the group’s title is the Gay and Lesbian ________.
And it got me thinking that one of the ironies of being someone who writes about trans issues but isn’t trans myself is that I can’t join the LGBT Writers’ Group, or Authors Group, or Alumni Association, or really anything. I’m not, per se, LGBT. And yet obviously I am by association – actually by marriage, which is even more ironic – and maybe even embarassing – in LGBT groups. It occurred to me that there is something odd, & mayhaps political, about this issue, because in some ways it’s not just about social groups, but about interest, and that because membership in groups that discuss LGBT issues are generally only joined by people who are LGBT themselves, there is an assumption that no one who isn’t LGBT would be interested in LGBT issues.
I’m not quite sure what to think of that.
I’ve been asked if men can join feminist organizations, and for the most part, they can (unless the org in question is a radical lesbian or separatist or both type of feminist organization). Because there’s no requirement that you have to be a woman to be a feminist: you simply have to believe that women are equal to men and should be treated so economically, educationally, legally, etc.
Having been to a very multi-culti college, it never occurred to me, at the time, that many people I knew belonged to student associations that had to do with their identity, as the ones I belonged to were based on interest – things like NYPIRG, or the fiction magazine editorial team, and later, PBK. I can’t say I sought hard for a Suburban-but-Working-Class Women Writers of Polish extraction group, or a Youngest Daughters of Large Catholic Families group, or some other group of which I could have been a member because of my identity, and I certainly didn’t start any.
But it is odd, isn’t it? Maybe I should just start a group for Allies of Causes Not Directly Influenced by Said Ally’s Identity, or The Underdog Society, or even a group for Partners of People with Important Minority Identities.
But maybe not. Maybe I should just get one of those I’m not a lesbian but my girlfriend is t-shirts and call it a day.

AIS on House

Not to give the whole “surprise” of tonight’s House episode away… but since the show has already aired: the teenage heroin addict who is being sexually abused by her own father is – drumroll, please! – AIS. He doesn’t use that term to describe her – and in fact refers to her as him, but more on that in a minute – but instead says she has a kind of hermaphroditism. Once I get the transcript I’ll be sure of exactly what he said.
House did refer to her as him for a reason – and that’s because her sexually abusive father is in the same room when he figures it out. Figuring the guy is going to be a homophobic asshole as well as a sexually abusive father, it’s a sure way to get the sexual abuse to stop.

Tired Dyke, Shopping

First: crossdressers, if there’s a day you shy ones want to go out & buy yourself lingerie, make it Valentine’s Day. There were all sorts of fumbling, sheepish, weirded-out guys in Macy’s today buying last minute Valentine’s gifts, to whom I wanted to say: Now really, even if you’re not a crossdresser, isn’t this really for you, anyway? Why don’t you go get yourself a pair of silky boxer shorts & objectify yourself for her instead?!
But I didn’t. So as is usual, I probably looked a little cranky as I walked up to the register with a handful – a handful, mind you – of underwear for Betty. And as the woman pushed the buttons, she happened to notice they were all smalls, and shot one glance at my ample butt, and I’d felt somehow she managed to press a button that made the word DYKE appear on my forehead.
So, yeah.