Category: relationships

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More Trans on Oprah

As it turns out, Oprah will be recording a new show about trans – in fact, two shows (again!). We did not, unfortunately, make it on this time either, as the shows are focused on families & children. From what I know, the first will be about families in which there are children who are trans, and the second will be focusing on families where a parent (or both) is trans.

Thus, not us. And while I could rant & rave about the legitimacy of our family, because we ARE one, dammit, even though we don’t have children, I won’t, as the producer we’ve spoken to has been quite lovely and the whole experience very pleasant & encouraging.

I don’t know when the shows are airing, but I assume in not too long.

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How the World Was

Betty & I recently went to a ‘family-friendly’ kind of amusement park while we were in Pennsylvania with my family. We were going to celebrate my grandaunt’s 85th birthday; since no one’s explained the situation to her & she adores ‘Jason,’ Betty decided to go in guy mode to keep things simple. We had a nice day at the park, especially the walking around hand in hand & being able to kiss in public for the day bits. At some point we were talking to my mom about how it was to be a straight couple again for a day, and my mom, being the loving, naive woman she can be, said something along the lines of how we should feel comfortable anywhere. Of course we aren’t, & I had to explain that in places where I see a lot of people are wearing Jesus t-shirts, WWJD stuff, etc., I often feel especially uncomfortable and not welcome. She was unfortunately not surprised but finds it a sad commentary on American christianity.

(Hey, queer-friendly Christians! Take your religion back from the haters!)

Later the same day I was waiting online for the the merry go ’round with my youngest niece, & a girl who was a little developmentally disabled was waiting on line next to us. She asked us which animal we wanted to ride on, and pointed out that she was set on the big gold carriage. We had a nice chat about the park, & who had brought her, & about my family. After the ride was over, I had this moment that I realized it took a really long time for people like her to be able to go to a family park, too. We used to keep “people like that” out of the public eye, you know?

& In some small way that gave me a moment of hope.

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Sept. 5th: Trans Partners Group

I have good news, & good news, & bad news.

The good news is that at the last minute, I’ve been invited to teach a Gender Studies class up at Merrimack College this fall.

The other bit of good news is that the Trans Partners Group is meeting at the Center today, September 5th, at 7:30 PM.

The bad news is that I’m teaching on Tuesdays & Thursdays, & so I will be in Boston on Wednesdays when the trans partners group meets.

I have been so enjoying co-facilitating this group & it nearly kills me not to be able to continue. I will be teaching in Wisconsin coming January as well so it seems the August group was the last group I’ll attend until April or May 2008 when I’ll be back to residing in New York fulltime. I will miss the group a lot – both personally & as an advocate for partners.

If any of you who attend the group want to get in touch, you know where I am.

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Five Questions With… Marilyn Frank

Marilyn Frank has been sharing her story with wives at Fantasia Fair, IFGE and Tri-Ess seminars since 1982. She married her husband Len in 1954 and didn’t learn about the cross dressing until 1964, 10 years and 3 children later. At that time the only information available to her was Virginia Prince’s book The Transvestite and His Wife (now titled The Cross-dresser and His Wife) which she still finds to be one of the best books written.

1) First, Marilyn, I want to thank you on behalf of all the partners out there, for stepping up at a time when most of us weren’t even in high school yet. Without women like you & Peggy Rudd, the struggle to have partners’ issues recognized would be a lot more difficult. So what caused you to do the educating you did?

In the 1970’s I was a volunteer on a crisis intervention hot line in Morris County, NJ. When I became Director, I questioned some of the professionals in the group, who did not know much about cross dressing, but were able to assist me in finding people who did know. During this time we came upon Tri-Ess, and then in 1980 Len read the article in Playboy about Fantasia Fair and in 1981 we spent a few days at the Fair. I had many discussions with Ariadne Kane about the wives’ needs, and this brought Niela Miller to the Fair and that’s where my true education began. Since it had been a very lonely road not only for Len, but for me, I decided I would reach out to help others, so that’s when I started facilitating a wives group at our local Tri-Ess Chapter, which I did for for over 10 years. I also was instrumental in starting the wives’ program at the first IFGE Convention. My philosophy is that every time I help someone, I help myself. It’s true the marriage had its ups and downs where the cross dressing was concerned, but for us it was a small part of our overall marriage. We have always had good communication, enjoy many of the same things and do have a sense of humor (that helps).

Continue reading “Five Questions With… Marilyn Frank”

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Partner’s Take

I got this today from Ana in Brazil (the girl from Ipanema, you could say):

One last thing: regarding your mixed feelings about Betty’s transformation, one of the best metaphors for it was depicted in the “Beauty and the Beast” episode of Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre, directed by Roger Vadin. You know the plot: the beautiful Susan Sarandon is forced to live with the Beast, until the spell is broken, by the power or her sincere love, and — plim! — the beast becomes a Prince Charming (Klaus Kinski) so proud of his just-found looks. But she is unimpressed. “Why?” he aks “don’t you prefer me handsome?”

She replies: “I was in love with the Beast, I don’t know who you are.”

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Trans Couples: Adrien & Elena

I’m going to tell you the story of me, Adrien an FtM transman, and my partner, Elena a free-spirited, open-minded, adventurous, bi-sexual genetic woman. Y’all get ready, because some parts of it are scandalous. OK, here we go.

When Elena and I first met, I think it was late 1998, we just really hit it off, the way you do. The meeting that stood out was at the state fair, for a friend’s birthday. We were there with lots of friends and acquaintances and between us there was that magnetic energy – we were more interested in each other than anyone else and for reasons soon to be disclosed, this wasn’t entirely appropriate. Soon after that night at the fair, we met again at a party, a lesbian party. At this point on the timeline of my transition, I was just getting into the transgender vocabulary and ideas and was definitely starting to recognize myself as trans, but I was pre-everything with only some glimmerings that chest surgery might be something feasible for me. So, I was still living at home in the bosom of the lesbian community, but starting to scratch the itch that would bring my time there to its end. At present, we still have many gay and lesbian friends, but some have dropped out of our lives as well. Since the beginning of our relationship, we always found that we felt more aligned with our straight couple friends and I definitely do not call myself a lesbian any more. Elena’s relationship and sexual history includes men and women but at the time we met, she was identified as lesbian and had a female partner. But back to the story…

Continue reading “Trans Couples: Adrien & Elena”

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Trans Couples Conference?

So if I were to host a trans couples/trans partners weekend retreat, would you come? What if it were in Philly?

If you’re interested, let me know by leaving a comment or posting in our thread about it or emailing me. Let me know what you’d like the conference to be like by describing a day at it.

I’m very much in the planning/idea stages, so input is welcome.

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GIP August Events

There’s two events coming organized by the Center that I wanted to let people know about.

The first one is Trans on the Sands, on August 12th, from 11am – 5pm: a day at the beach for transgender, gender non-confirming, genderqueer people, their families and allies, at Coney Island. Meet directly across from the boardwalk entrance to the New York Aquarium under a ‘GIP’ sign.

The second is a Femme Symposium, on August 18th, from 11am – 5PM: an opportunity for self-identified femmes in the New York City metropolitan area to socialize and connect with other femmes. It provides femmes and our allies with space to discuss issues and topics of relevance and is intended to increase the visibility of femmes. All who attend are entitled to explore their own definition of femme throughout the day. While this event is for, about and by femmes, allies are welcome. There is a $10 entrance fee to cover costs, but no one will be turned away for lack of funds. For further information: nycfemmesymposium@gmail.com.

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Trans Partners Drop In Group

We meet tomorrow, August 1st, at 7:30PM at the LGBT Center on 13th Street. If you’re a partner of a trans person, straight gay or otherwise, do come.

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Trans Partner Advocacy

Recently on our message boards, the partner of someone who was transitioning posted about her very last day with her male husband. She was sad, she was mourning, and she was feeling both loss & resentment.

Sometimes the larger trans community seems to view feelings like that as anti-trans; that a partner isn’t throwing the big coming out party for her transitioning companion is seen as less than enthusiastic, and the difficult feelings are interpreted as saying ‘trans is bad.’

But the thing is, it’s part of the gig. There’s a lot of change involved in transition, which every trans person with half a brain admits. I mean, that’s the point. Change is a difficult thing for most people – all people, really – and it is stressful even when the change is a good thing, like getting a better job or getting married or having a baby that you’ve long wanted.

But to miss the old, worse job, or thinking fondly about the time when you were single or childfree, doesn’t mean you don’t want the new change in your life. You do. But you can’t just tell your mind not to think about how it once was, either.

& Sometimes I think that’s what’s expected of partners, that we never have a time to say, “I did love him as a man.” We can’t admit that we liked the cocky or shy guy we first fell in love with, & the partners of FTMs aren’t supposed to mourn the loss of breasts and smooth cheeks that they loved to touch.

But the thing is, as any trans person should know, repressing a feeling of loss or sadness is really bad all around; repression poisons the groundwater, in effect, and everyone feels it. So while I don’t advise partners make themselves miserable longing for the past (just as I wouldn’t advise trans people to think the future will definitely be rosy simply because they’ll transition), expressing the more difficult feelings associated with transition is healthier, in my opinion, in the long run. Not easy to hear as the trans person, for sure, but from what I hear from same trans people, they too may need some time to mourn the loss of their own former self.