For the past three weeks I’ve been co-moderating a Trans Partners’ group at the LGBT Center in Manhattan, and for three weeks we’ve had outright pathetic attendance.
In the meanwhile, I get emails all the time from partners, and I’m in groups online where they post, and they’ve got plenty to say. This group is cheap/free, and yet very few people are coming, and I can’t figure out why.
So partners, why aren’t you coming? Is your partner stealth/closeted & you’re scared about outing him/her by showing up? Do you think it’s a huge bitch session? Do you think it’s a bunch of cheerleaders? Do you think you have nothing in common with other partners? Do you think your stuff isn’t important enough to talk about? Would you rather not think about your partner being trans altogether?
I know you’ve got stuff to talk about, because you write to me, and to other partners, and you post in groups online.
So tell me why you’re not coming.
Trans Partners Drop-in Group
Tomorrow is the Trans Partners Drop-in Group at the LGBT Center, so come! Here’s the info.
Men & Women Care about Family Equally
A new Yale study – granted, studying only Yalies – says that women and men both want families and want to parent (& approximately the same number of children, even).
Trans Partners Drop-in Group
Wednesday is the Trans Partners Drop-in Group at the LGBT Center, so come! Here’s the info.
No Toothpaste, No Shoe-Wearing, No Kissing
It could be an Onion headline, but it’s not: an American Airlines flight attendant asked a gay couple to stop kissing on a recent Paris to New York flight.
Look, I’ve kissed my husband on plenty of flights and no one has ever asked us to stop kissing. We haven’t flown so much since Betty stopped passing much as a guy, but I now have another reason not to bother. (Flying, not kissing.)
Trans Partners' Drop-In
I will be co-moderating the GIP’s Trans Partner’s Drop-In group this fall, and I’m really pleased to be getting to do this kind of work, since I’ve been talking about doing a partners’ group anyway.
Here are the details:
When: Wednesdays – Beginning October 4
Time: 7:30-9:00 pm
Where: The Center, 208 West 13th Street, New York, New York 10011
(212) 620-7310, www.gaycenter.orgWhat: Trans-Partners/Trans-Amorous Drop-in is a 10-week group for people of all genders to discuss and explore their attractions to and relationships with trans-identified or gender non-conforming individuals. The group is open to people currently in partnerships with trans-people, people formerly in partnerships with trans-people, and people who are exploring their attraction to trans-people.
How: Registration is not required. There is a $5 suggested donation, but no one will be turned away for lack of ability to pay.
Deep Stealth: Coming Out DVD #2
I just received the DVD version of an interview I did with Andrea James for Deep Stealth’s Coming Out DVD series. As it turns out, they focused the interview and the entire 2nd DVD on that intereview, where I discuss things like negotiating and community, romance and sexuality, therapy, dealing with friends, identity, change. It’s a pretty great interview if I say so myself – even at the time I did it I felt it was one of the best I’ve given. Andrea James’ questions were thoughtful, which certainly helped me be at my best.
When you order it, do let them know I sent you!
As it turns out, Coming Out Disc 2: Relationships is actually for sale now, too, at the Deep Stealth website store.
NYT: When Jane Becomes Jack
From today’s NY Times, specifically an article called “The Trouble When Jane Becomes Jack”:
The fact that there is no apparent parallel imbroglio in the gay community toward men who become women is a subject of some speculation.
Despite the tangled set of issues involved, the survival rate of lesbian couples seems higher than among gay couples when one partner changes gender, advocates say.
Interesting that he’s looking for the wrong “other” situation, since the majority of MTFs who are in relationships and transitioning are in heterosexual relationships. It’s “The Trouble When Jack Becomes Jane” that I want to read next, and I hope it’s written with as much sensitivity.
Ultimatums
I was reading Reid Vanderbergh’s soon-to-be-published book and he mentioned how the wives of MTFs are doing reasonably well when they “were able to wrap their minds around the transition sufficiently that they did not leave the relationship, or deliver an ultimatum (“move forward with this transition and it’s over.”).”
& I was thinking, what difference is there between his example of an ultimatum:
Quote:
| move forward with this transition and it’s over |
and what i’ve said to betty:
Quote:
| i’m pretty sure i won’t be able to love a woman so transitioning may mean the end of our relationship. |
Because I honestly don’t know. Obviously tone and concern and trying to deal, yes, but ultimately, is there any difference? I’m not so sure there is.
What I Don't Like
The other day on our boards someone mentioned how everyone saw her former partner as “an FTM in denial.” I don’t like that. No, more than that, I can’t stand it.
I find it especially frustrating coming from anyone trans, since trans people are so often referred to as being “really” their gender-assigned-at-birth instead of their target gender, or they’re seen as “really” homosexual, etc.
But what bothers me about it is that it’s know-it-all laced, clever, condescending. The idea of knowing someone else’s gender identity/sexual orientation (since the whole “He’s really a closet case,” is one I hear a lot, and always have) better than they do themselves is just aggrravating to me.
& I think it’s mostly mean-spirited. Not everyone is – some are sympathetic, or bemused, especially when they themselves struggled with bringing a subterranean identity to light for a long time – but I think it quickly turns to gossip and cattiness.
Just say no. The next time you hear someone do it, object. People are so quick to judge, and sometimes I think they should spend a little more time looking at their own shit than calling someone else on theirs.