Category: s.e.x.

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Still Vanilla

Jezebel has compiled the 10 worst “BDSM” suggestions made by Cosmo, and, um, I’d like to know what exactly is kinky about sticking your finger in someone’s mouth & ordering him to suck it. Is it because you’re ordering and not asking, or suggesting coyly, or whatever non-kink version of a similar scenario Cosmo might recommend? Or is it somehow kinky just to penetrate your male partner & not the other way around? I don’t know. I have lost track of how tepid people have sex, and I thank my lucky stars for that.

Honestly, I’m not sure if it gives me a headache or amuses me greatly to think of the crazy awkward scenes happening in bedrooms across America because of those fifty shades of goofy. Just, um, make sure you have the key to the handcuffs FIRST, don’t draw blood, and um, maybe remember that most of us have day jobs we have to sit at desks to do. (Although a day of uncomfortable sitting can be a lovely reminder of what went on the night before.)

& Honestly, leave the utensils in the kitchen where they belong. Except the slatted spoons: those things really sting.

Seriously, try Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex, instead.

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RIP Helen Gurley Brown

You don’t have to like Cosmo to have admired Helen Gurley Brown. You only have to appreciate how rare her voice was at the time it appeared: Sex and the Single Girl came out a year before The Feminine Mystique.

And she was, of course, a pro-sex woman’s voice which in the 1960s and 1970s was not very acceptable in mainstream feminism.

RIP, Ms. Brown. You did good.

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Men & Strippers

I found a blog of men’s letters about their experiences going to strip clubs – some stories of first times, or lifelong membership, but others try to explain the why of going.

Its unfair to say that all women in strip clubs are weak pawns in a male dominated world, some entries here suggest the opposite, but it was true of this place. I went to a strip club to prove to the world I was a man, maybe I did but as the brother to 3 sisters I don’t think I can justify it on the basis of my self esteem again. I’m pretty bad with women but I prefer rejection to guilt.

While most Feminist would say that a strip clubs demean and objectify women, I believe any woman who has the ultimate control in this situation, really, has the upper hand. Does it bring them self confidence? Perhaps this is just a slimy justification on my part. I imagine most women dance; not because they enjoy it, but because they have to feed their families or something else. This is the cold reality of strip clubs but I prefer to think they dance for the pleasure of making me poorer. Regardless of what I think; I will pass along my Benjamin’s, and when that Benjamin is passed along there is always that look in the girl’s eyes that says I got you sucker…

You pay a fee. For this a naked girl sits on your lap and listens.

It’s ludicrous. I’m forty, drive a Cadillac, have traveled the world and am fully clothed. The girl is half my age, drove her mothers Hyundai to work, hasn’t been out of the state since a trip to Disney World when she was ten and is stark naked.

But she listens for a bit and all is right with the world. That’s why I go.

I’m going to have a hard time not staying up all night reading it.

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Make Her Toast

No, really, it’s on the list of bad sex advice tips from Cosmo as compiled by Jezebel. You know, equal opportunity goofiness.

Here are a few favorites:

21. Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”
Just don’t tell Mother. She’s still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.

23. “Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.”
Here’s a second take on that one: don’t try facial intercourse.

31. “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?

Great: now I can’t get the visual of someone sticking their penis into a jar of Nutella out of my head.

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Throw His Disco Stick a Party

These made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt: the 44 worst pieces of sex advice offered by Cosmo. My favorites:

7. “Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men.”
I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay.

“We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don’t skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don’t know what will.”
I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow “drowning in drool” slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.

16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.'”
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”

Brilliant.

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Her Vagina

Representative Lisa Brown is now banned from the Michigan House of Representatives because she said “vagina”.

She was speaking out against a bill that would limit abortions.

“Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,'” Brown said Wednesday.

You really have to wonder about a group of lawmakers who are so uncomfortable with women’s bodies that they can’t abide the word “vagina” but who feel comfortable telling women what to do with their bodies.

I strongly recommend a filibuster with The Vagina Monologues.

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Sugarbutch: Because

For pride month, I thought it might be cool to put up some of my favorite internet queer; although I’ve got links in the right column of this site, I haven’t always said something about the site.

So first up is the Sugarbutch Chronicles, which are, according to author Sinclair Sexsmith, “an online writing project (aka “blog”) which explores sovereignty, healing, and communication through the personal examinations of sex, gender, and relationships, while celebrating queer sexuality, gender, culture, and identity in ways that are expansive rather than restrictive, liberating rather than limiting.”

You can read more about Sexsmith, of course, but the reason I thought to post about Sugarbutch was this hot little story about the 3-minute game. Some of Sexsmith’s stories get a lot heavier than this one – which you’d expect from a self-described “kinky queer butch top” – but this one was just so sweet, wasn’t it? It might be a nice way to indulge your partner’s desire for something you don’t always love doing, or to suggest something you’ve always wanted to feel but haven’t ever asked for.

We both have stories in Tristan Taormino’s Take Me There, which just happened to win itself a Lambda Literary Award (or Lammy) for best trans fiction.