What with all the discussion going on about the MWMF policy, I’m finding myself once again heavy-hearted, confused, and feeling terribly unresolved.
I’ve met so many MTFs who would fit right in at MWMF. Others who could give a rat’s ass about not being allowed to attend something like that. But I’ve also met a ton who are clueless, demanding, completely lacking a feminist consciousness, & reeking of male privilege.
That said, as a heterosexual feminist, I’ve also been treated by lesbian separatists as a traitor just for liking men (which, as I’ve pointed out more than once, has got to be at least as innate as being born lesbian), and would feel it necessary to hide who I am if I were ever on “the Land.”
Saying ‘a pox on both your houses’ just doesn’t feel satisfying today, either, but this interstice I’m living in feels very, very small indeed today.
News from Camp Trans
NYT: When Jane Becomes Jack
From today’s NY Times, specifically an article called “The Trouble When Jane Becomes Jack”:
The fact that there is no apparent parallel imbroglio in the gay community toward men who become women is a subject of some speculation.
Despite the tangled set of issues involved, the survival rate of lesbian couples seems higher than among gay couples when one partner changes gender, advocates say.
Interesting that he’s looking for the wrong “other” situation, since the majority of MTFs who are in relationships and transitioning are in heterosexual relationships. It’s “The Trouble When Jack Becomes Jane” that I want to read next, and I hope it’s written with as much sensitivity.
Five Questions With… Kate Bornstein
Kate Bornstein is an author, playwright and performance artist. Her latest book, Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws, came out last month. Kate’s published works include the books Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us; My Gender Workbook; and the cyber-romance-action novel, Nearly Roadkill, written with co-author Caitlin Sullivan. Kate’s plays and performance pieces include Strangers in Paradox, Hidden: A Gender, The Opposite Sex Is Neither, Virtually Yours, and y2kate: gender virus 2000. It was both a pleasure and an honor to get to speak with her.
1. I love that you mention in Hello, Cruel World how trans folk are separating themselves into “male” and “female” by using terms like MTF and the like, because I’ve noticed that those of us who are hot for trans folk seem to like the transness, not the ‘target gender’ (or really even the ‘birth gender’) alone. It’s the chaser’s dirty secret. Do you think trans people will start to enjoy being trans, sexually or otherwise?
There are lots of un-named, unclaimed desires that are free from the male/female gender system. Desire for sex with oneself is a sexual orientation in itself, and you can be any gender or no gender in order to have that desire. My former partner felt the most important component for his desire was that his partner be the same gender as him. When he was a woman, he was with women; when he was gender-exploring he was with someone who was also gender-exploring; now that he’s a man he’s with men. I think what you’ve got is an as-yet-un-named sexual orientation: the desire for sex and romance with someone who’s neither male nor female.
Give your desire for transness a name. Then, speak your desire loudly, and proudly and seductively. I think if people hear that, that you’d like them the way they are, they’d be more encouraged to live that place of neither/nor.
As to using terms like MTF/FTM – yeah, I’ve been complaining about that for years. In this new book, I’m just a little less patient about it. It’s amusing and humiliating to admit it, but I still work hard to pass in public. I’m an old fart, and that’s still important to me. Out in the world, I pass to avoid the shame and the danger. But intimately with friends, community, or our lovers? The not-passing is the dance of love. No need for male or female, what luxury!
1b. But I seem to upset some transsexual people when I recognize that Betty’s masculinity turns me on – even if it’s in addition to my being turned on by her femininity.
Upset them! When you go beyond either/or, people think you’re a radical, that you’re less safe because you’re less predictable. Speaking or writing down the truth of your desire unlocks the political and moral shackles of desire.
Ultimatums
I was reading Reid Vanderbergh’s soon-to-be-published book and he mentioned how the wives of MTFs are doing reasonably well when they “were able to wrap their minds around the transition sufficiently that they did not leave the relationship, or deliver an ultimatum (“move forward with this transition and it’s over.”).”
& I was thinking, what difference is there between his example of an ultimatum:
Quote:
| move forward with this transition and it’s over |
and what i’ve said to betty:
Quote:
| i’m pretty sure i won’t be able to love a woman so transitioning may mean the end of our relationship. |
Because I honestly don’t know. Obviously tone and concern and trying to deal, yes, but ultimately, is there any difference? I’m not so sure there is.
Passing for Couples
I was just now re-drafting one of my chapters, when out of the blue it occurred to me that one of the issues for a (female + mtf) couple making it through transition (social, medical or otherwise) is the ability to pass as a lesbian couple. I know about all the “like sisters” people; they’re all well and good and don’t have to pass as anything but friends (or sisters, obviously). But for those of us who still want a publicly visible, romantic and sexual relationship, what we’re effectively looking to do is pass as a lesbian, or bisexual, or queer couple. In order to do that, I think you have to know something about what lesbian, bisexual, and queer couples are like, no?
The Partner's Part
In the ‘middle path’ thread, Marlena wrote:
While being single all these days years has sucked in other ways, one benefit is that it helped me find my equalibrium on the trans spectrum. I can dress generally when I want. The fact that I don’t want to do so constantly — and in fact if I do it a lot I get tired of doing so — tells me something. However, since the vast majority of CDs are in relationships where they’re in either the closet or with an SO who isn’t “do what ever your want” enthusiastic, they never really find their equalibrium point. So on other forums, I hear a lot of pent-up desire talking. I suspect if they had the opportunity dress every day, a lot of them would find that doing your make-up every morning soon gets to be a chore.
and michelleNYC’s recent comments made me think: do wives/girlfriends act as a kind of safety, an anchor, for MTF transfolk? Do we give CDs/TGs a sense of being tethered, so that they don’t go flying off into experimentation & sliding down the slippery slope?
Do we provide a kind of relief, even if at the same time we’re resented for how we might restrict our partner’s gender expression?
I’m a little worried about saying the word maternal outloud in this context.
Five Questions With… Josey Vogels
Josey Vogels is the author of the nationally syndicated relationships column My Messy Bedroom and the dating advice column Dating Girl. She has published five books on sex and relationships – the most recent is entitled Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy. Her fourth book, The Secret Language of Girls, has been published in several languages and was made into a documentary. Her website – www.joseyvogels.com — is visited by thousands monthly and she is a popular speaking guest at universities and colleges across Canada.
1) I was a little amazed at the ‘revelation’ of She Comes First – considering women have been basically saying the same thing as Ian Kerner (the author of She Comes First) did, for years. Why do you think it took a guy to say it before anyone seemed to listen?
It’s funny, I felt exactly the same way. In fact, this is what I wrote in a column I did about the book: “That Kerner comes off as the Neil Armstrong of oral sex is a little insulting when you consider how many women (several of whom he refers to throughout the book) have been saying for years that intercourse alone doesn’t cut it for the ladies when it comes to orgasm. But the fact that Kerner is on a mission to turn men into enthusiastic cunning linguists like himself is a welcome one. Because, clearly, they aren’t listening to us.”
I think sadly, the fact that it was a man made the mainstream media take notice. It was truly a bizarre thing. I thought it was interesting how though also how Kerner’s language in the book was very “male” which again, might have made it more palatable for a media that likes that kind of male authoritative approach to things.
As I wrote at the time:
“She Comes First may have indeed changed the focus from intercourse to oral sex but it’s still all about male performance. Kerner’s just shifted the pressure from the penis to the tongue. He even describes the tongue as the best “tool” for the job.
In fact, at times, with all the references to hoods and shafts and some rather creepy technical illustrations, She Comes First, reads more like a car manual than a guide to becoming a good lover. So while Kerner now describes himself as “happily married and able to make love successfully” (wonder what a good cunnilinguist pulls in these days?), being a “successful” lover isn’t just about having a skillful tongue — though that is, of course, welcome. It’s about knowing how to stimulate a woman’s mind, to make her feel amazing and sexy in bed and out. I’m all for improving your technique. But like a good mechanic, a good lover doesn’t just know how to operate the machinery, he knows how to make it purr.”
Five Questions With… Renee Reyes
Renee Reyes is the webmistress of www.reneereyes.com, a huge site where t-girls of all stripes have found information over the years. She is a strong believer in the commonality of experience of all kinds of transfolk, from crossdressers to transsexuals. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
< Renee Reyes
1. As far as I can tell, we’re rare in talking about admirers. Why do you think so many trans sites avoid the subject?
I’d say there are a couple of reasons. First, the large majority of gender-related web sites are hosted by girls whose feminine existence is still a very limited affair. In terms of sheer hours these gals have little time to fully consider their sexuality as precious femme time is wrapped up in improving their appearance. Attraction to others is limited to other transgenders & females. Alas, the sometimes crude approaches from neophyte male admirers aggravate the situation.
Admirers are an important segment of the gender community. They provide beauty affirmation and serve as healthy outlets for relationships. Like the girls…most admirers didn’t necessarily choose to find transgenders highly appealing. Nature just wired them that way.
Gays weren’t initially very accepting of transgenders. Admirers suffer the same sort of fate. We’ll get there.
Continue reading “Five Questions With… Renee Reyes”
TIC
We’re up in Burlington, VT, for our 2nd time at Translating Identity Conference (TIC); we drove up with DJ & Lizzy – who kindly offered us a ride – and are staying at a motel called the Ho-Hum Motel. No kidding.
But TIC is anything but ho-hum itself; last year Betty & I found it infused with energy, maybe because the organizers are trans students and allies.
If you know anyone in/around the Burlington area, tell them to come check it out (if the event isn’t already sold out, which it might be). In addition to doing my Trans Sex & Identity workshop (Saturday, 1:30-3pm) I’ll be doing a closed caucus for the partners of MTFs (Saturday, 3:15-4:45 pm) while the ever-talented Jill Barkley will conduct one for partners of FTMs. Then, we all get together on Sunday (1:45-3:15 pm) to hash it all out with the trans folks listening! I’m looking forward to this opportunity, and I think it’s great to be at a conference that is willing to devote so much time not just to partners, but specializing workshops for all of us.