Tag: trans partners

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Cold Case

I was talking to my mother the night before TDOR, about all the stuff trans people often need to do, the legal stuff, the ID changes, sometimes the medical issues, and she mentioned that she was really touched by a recent Cold Case show she’d seen. I haven’t seen it yet, though I’m a fan of the show and watch it pretty often. The story was about an FTM in the 1960s who at the time was assumed to have committed suicide but who, in fact, was dead before he hit the water. Thus, the re-opening of his “cold case.”

My mom didn’t call him an FTM; she doesn’t have that language yet. What she said was, “She was a girl who was really a boy.” And I had a moment where I wasn’t sure if she meant an FTM or MTF, but once again, my mom impressed me; he was an FTM, &, to her mind, “really a boy.”

Which is of course the opposite usage of most people who throw their “reallys” around when talking about trans people, which strikes me as too cool.

But what she wanted to know was whether things were better now, and she was asking me this the night before TDOR. And I told her for some people it is, but the violence against trans people is still too up-close & personal. She thought people should be taught to keep their hands to themselves, at the very least. But I did also tell her about FORGE’s document, about us allies and partners and family being recognized as also often being the victims of violence, and she said, “of course.” She said she’d light her candle on the 20th, too.

Yeah. My mom rocks.

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Transgender Day of Remembrance 2007

For this year’s Transgender Day of Remembrance, FORGE, a group out of Wisconsin, has released two new handouts. One is about keeping yourself safe as a trans person – or really as any person. It includes tips like wearing clothes that aren’t restrictive and making sure you carry a cellphone.

But more impressively, at least to me, is a document on the friends, family, & partners of trans people who have been the victims of violence either against trans people or for defending trans people or for being partnered to trans people – and in one case, only for being assumed to be trans or gender variant.

I’m especially pleased to see a group create this printout as I have been, in the past, told that I can’t use the word “we” when talking about TDOR precisely because I’m not trans. But as the FORGE document more than indicates, those of us who are partners or SOFFAs are also at risk when transphobia walks the streets.

Have a safe Day of Remembrance. Honor the lives of those who we have lost, and tomorrow, celebrate all of your own victories and those of other trans people in your life. We have a lot to celebrate as a community as well, despite the violence and hate that is sometimes directed our way. I’ll post tomorrow to allow anyone to add their own personal victories, as well.

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Trans Couples: Tink & B.

A Note from the Author:

Just a couple of things I want to say first. As one of the conditions for this is no names, I shall refer to my beloved in boy format as B*. This stands for Beloved. Another major character is X, which refers to the ex-wife. Finally, please excuse any pronoun confusion that may arise. I have tried to use “he” when referring to my dearest in “boy-mode,” and “she” when referring to same in “girlie-mode” (his own terms) but there are still times when I’m not sure which to use when.

Chapter 1: In which Tink sees photos.

I think I first fell in love when I saw her picture. The problem was, he belonged to somebody else- a friend of mine- and so I put it out of my mind.

I had known B* for a couple of years. He was going out with X, who was a friend of mine, and we became good friends ourselves, the kind that sees each in other in the pub, but with occasional deep and meaningful conversations between just the two if us. This was one of those times. Most of our other friends had retired early, and it was just the two of us in one of those dodgy local rock clubs that you seem to find in every city. He was entertaining me with pictures on his mobile phone. They were various models, singers and actresses all looking beautiful. I had the difficult task of putting names to the faces, and my knowledge of popular culture kept letting me down. He selected another image and presented it to me. Again I was clueless. She was slim and beautiful like all the rest, with lovely long, dark hair and dressed in black. I took a wild guess.
“Morticia Addams?” Apparently I was wrong and had to look again. “I have no idea, but whoever she is, she’s very pretty.”
“It’s me.”
“Wow!” I was stunned. I looked again, and I just couldn’t believe it. She was just amazing.
Continue reading “Trans Couples: Tink & B.”

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TV Boyfriend (No, Not That TV)

My friend Guy always refers to the men he has the hots for on TV (& the more-than-occasional musician) as his “TV boyfriends.” I know there’s a guy from Grey’s Anatomy that made the list lately, but I never watch it so I don’t know which one it is. A while back it was Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.

So since I kinda miss being with a guy sometimes, I’ve decided to have my own TV boyfriend as a way of indulging the beauty of men without risking actually doing anything with any.

Anyway, since all I ever watch is Animal Planet (& yes, Cesar Milan has his moments of hotness) and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Vincent D’Onofrio – he’s the guy who plays Robert Goren – is pretty much my ongoing TV boyfriend. Out of curiosity, or some kind of erotic masochism, I found some clips of him on YouTube, but this one is – damn. It’s just about the hottest kiss I’ve ever seen. So now, even though I’ve never seen the movie it’s from, I’m not sure I can.

For those that bat for the other team, here he is in a 1998 film making out with a guy.

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More Education, Less Sex

Yet another report has been published that proves that comprehensive sex ed keeps kids from having as much sex, as many partners, and from getting STDs. Despite that, of course, our government is still throwing money at abstinence-only sex ed:

“Congress is currently considering a funding bill which includes $141 to fund these programs, an increase of $4 million over President Bush’s request.”

So we’re paying more to educate kids less. Isn’t it counter-intuitive to spend so much money to keep kids ignorant? That’s never cost anything in the past.

Is everyone else tired of reporting this?

Source: Feminist Daily News 11/9

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What They Call Me

The issue of whether or not the term SOFFA (Significant Others, Friends, Family & Allies) is used throughout the trans community to describe people like me came up recently in an online discussion group, so I thought I’d share here a list of the terms that are used. Keep in mind this list is drawn from my own experience online & in person, in co-moderating partner support groups at conferences, & in my various conversations with others “like me” in the trans universe.

Historically speaking, it was pretty apparent especially when I first went online as a trans partner, nine years ago or so, that if I found “SOFFA” support I would be quite on my own as a historically-heterosexual female partner of an emerging MTF, & was often directed to more Tri-Ess type organizations when/if I did find them.

So just for the sake of it, here’s some other terms & the way (in my experience) they breakdown in use:

  • SO – most often used to describe the female partner of a CD or MTF of CDing experience
  • SOFFA – short for “Significant Other, Friend, Family or Ally” and is used  predominantly in the FTM community. (note: it is not pronounced like the furniture, but like the O in hot)
  • partner – seems to be used by both
  • chaser/admirer – again, out of MTF spaces, for (mostly) the guys who date/seek out sex with CDs or pre op/non op MTFs. “chaser” is the pejorative; “admirer” is used when their attention is appreciated by the trans person in question.
  • trans-am(orous), transsensual – terms that come out of the FTM universe, for women who date/seek out sex/relationships with FTMs – often intentionally *not* used by FTMs due to the fetishistic connotation, though I find it’s quite a radical idea to describe women who desire MTFs (there aren’t so many of us, so fetishization doesn’t seem to be an issue!)
  • Of recent coinage, which some partners seem to respond to, is NQAL (pronounced “nickel”)- for Not Quite a Lesbian. Used by those of us who either are lesbians but are with FTMs who are stealth, & also by female partners who are heterosexual but are viewed as lesbians when our MTFs transition/crossdress.

Other notes:

  • One of the reasons I don’t use SOFFA is exactly because lumping together those who date/partner with trans people is already such a mixed bag of people, & because the term can be off-putting to allies who aren’t dating trans people to be seen as only being there for the sexual/romantic partnerships. Also, because there is a big difference between an ally who is trans am & the partner of an MTF or FTM who is transitioning after years of a long term relationship. (The mutual scorn can be palpable.)
  • As support group practice (at least at the LGBT center in manhattan) has dictated, putting the parents/family of trans people in the same room with partners/admirers/trans-am people is pretty disastrous as well.
  • PFLAG’s trans support is referred to as TNET, though I often just use TFLAG (for families of trans).

The good news in all this verbal soup is that there are more & more of us everyday!

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Feminists Have More Fun

As it turns out, a survey has found that “having a feminist partner is linked with healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships.”

The study, published online this week in the journal Sex Roles, relied on surveys of both college students and older adults, finding that women with egalitarian attitudes do find mates and men do find them attractive. In fact, results reveal they are having a good time, maybe a better time than the non-feminists.

And:

Among the findings:

  • College-age women who reported having feminist male partners also reported higher quality relationships that were more stable than couples involving non-feminist male partners.
  • College guys who were themselves feminists and had feminist partners reported more equality in their relationships.
  • Older women who perceived their male partners as feminists reported greater relationship health and sexual satisfaction.
  • Older men with feminist partners said they had more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction.

(Thanks to Lena and www.livescience.com.)

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Gay Men, Sham Marriages, & Anal Sex

Sonia in CO directed me to this interesting selection of YouTube videos by the always-astute Wayne Besen about sham marriages, but what caught her eye, and mine, was the comment by Zeke:

Why are discussions about gay spouses and the spouses that they betray, take advantage of, lie to, devastate, degrade, etc. ALWAYS, 100% of the time, about gay men and their victim wives. Why do we NEVER, EVER hear people talking about married lesbians and the husbands that they betray, take advantage of, lie to, devastate, degrade etc.? Lesbians marry men just as much as gay men marry women but yet they are NEVER discussed in the same visceral judgmental terms that are used speak of gay men.

He goes on to talk more about the way men are always villains and women always victims when we talk about divorce, in general. But I think the one thing that Zeke didn’t mention is how people are freaked out by sex between men, because they think it’s all about anal sex. I think that’s one of the reasons people are more offended/freaked out by gay men than by lesbians. I mean, women are also so valued for “being” sexy but we don’t talk much about women’s sexuality either, so I think – other than the uber-femme “fake” girl on girl porn, we tend to think of women who have sex with each other as doing something more like naked cuddling than – pardon my french – fucking.

There’s a story in Judith Halberstam’s Female Masculinity where she talks about this one case, in the UK, a century + ago, where the judges ruled out the possibility of these two female headmasters having sex with each other because – according to him – that wasn’t *possible.*

We also tend to assume women are more loyal, & more emotional; that women who leave a husband for a woman are doing so for love, while men – you know – men are always just out to get their rocks off.

That is, I think what Zeke missed is all the latent sexuality issues going on when we talk about divorce & relationships, & with all the gender stereotypes that come into it.

This, plus the recent Vatican issue, makes me wonder when we’re going to work out that half the problem is that men who come out as gay are villified because of all our own sexual hangups & mythologies.

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Trans Couples: Jeanne & Diana

There are not a lot of stories of successful transsexual / non-trans partner marriages. One recurring theme that I see is the need for pacing. Unfortunately too many trans-partners once they have their epiphany rush like a runaway freight train towards transition. Like most runaway freight trains these relationships typically end in destruction.

I’m not going to say that there is any one right way to transition. We all know that those paths are as unique as the individuals who tread them. However, if a couple is going to have any possibility of remaining intact each partner must be willing to recognize that compromises will be an integral part of the process.

Continue reading “Trans Couples: Jeanne & Diana”

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On ENDA, on National Coming Out Day

This is the text of the talk I gave in Denver on Tuesday. It probably won’t surprise anyone that I’ve been busting at the seams wanting to have a say in all of the dialogue going on about ENDA. At least I don’t think it should surprise anyone, not by now.

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First, let me thank Ed and Jordan and all the students who asked them to bring me here. It’s a pleasure to be here in celebration of National Coming Out Day, a pleasure to see all of you gathered, celebrating who you are. Thanks to all the crossdressers, the gays, the lesbians, the genderqueers, the trans men & women, MTF and FTM, & to their partners. Thanks to all of you who are family, or friends, or allies, for being here.

Betty and I have been on tour a lot this year because I had a book published in March, and we’ve gotten a chance, once again, to meet a lot of people and to talk to a lot of trans people and partners, and this year, we’ve met more gay and lesbian people who aren’t trans than we did before. And it’s been a pleasure all around in hearing people’s stories of their own gender variance, or the stories of how they came out to loved ones, or of their first big crush or the moment when they realized they were trans or gay or lesbian or how they came to understand the first identity they understood themselves to be was not quite accurate in the long run. What I love to hear the most is about how queer people find one identity fits for a while and then not at all; like Oliver Wendell Holmes’ chambered nautilus, queer people build themselves bigger chambers, bigger categories, labels that are not so confining, over time.

That’s how it’s been for us, certainly. By the time people get used to what we’re calling ourselves our identities have shifted a little, changed usually by experiences we never expected and wouldn’t trade for anything. Continue reading “On ENDA, on National Coming Out Day”