“Boyd never expected to write about transvestites and their partners, yet here is her fascinating account of marriage to a crossdresser, the intent of which is to reduce the tumult his crossdressing causes in the couple’s lives and to help more women deal better with having transgendered husbands. The originator of an online support group for couples like hers, Boyd supplements her own experiences with those of others to explore the diversity within a stereotyped group (the male-to-female transgendered) and answer questions concerning their behavior. Boyd was supportive from the onset of her knowledge of “Betty,” but even after two years’ socializing within a supportive transgender community, the Boyds’ first outing in the real world terrified her because of her own and society’s expectations-and that was the first of a series of painful realizations. Boyd’s skill as a writer enables readers to enter a relatively hidden existence easily, and perhaps even to appreciate its complexities. Her account, though initially disquieting to some, well may become a standard text in gender studies.”
-Whitney Scott
Mariette Pathy Allen
I am pleased as punch that I just got this wonderful review from Mariette Pathy Allen:
“Helen Boyd’s book is extraordinary! Ms. Boyd manages to combine intensely personal stories, in particular her relationship with Betty, with a great deal of up-to-date, useful, and fascinating information. Her account of (primarily) heterosexual crossdressers and their wives or partners, is both thorough and sophisticated in exploring the range of emotions and daily complications that make up the lives of men who need to wear women’s clothes some of the time, and the women who are part of their lives. Helen and Betty are young, smart, and attractive. They offer an exciting model of a crossdresser-couple; future-directed, uncompromising in the search for truth in all aspects of their relationship, in relating to others in the community, and to the world at large. My Husband Betty covers every aspect of crossdressing that could be of interest to anyone whether or not they’re part of the community, and does it in the eloquent, graceful language of an artist.”
– Mariette Pathy Allen, Transformations: Crossdressers and Those Who Love Them
Gidget
I received the sad news today that one of the women I interviewed for the book – one half of one of the couples profiled in Chapter 4 – died recently. I’ve been sad and stunned since getting the news. I only ever knew her as Gidget, and her emails were always a joy to receive – full of enthusiasm & capriciousness, common sense & humor. She taught Special Ed. She was a lovely, magnanimous, generous person. It’s killing me that she never got to hold a final copy of the book in her hands.
Her words appear in various parts of the book, but I did profile her & her husband, so I wanted to put her “In Her Own Words” section up here, in her memory:
I think the bottom line is that you must both be in love to come across and meet the other person half way—as you give up part of what you wanted, for part of him, and he does the same for you—I wasn’t the one hundred percent accepting person that he wanted, but he loves me and accepted less from me—also, I did the same for him, as I got myself to take a risk and see and view him as a female—it freaked me out when I first saw it about 20 years ago, but now—it took him being very slow about showing things to me—he first wore a black cotton dress to bed with me, and I imagined this as a black cotton t-shirt and thought “this isn’t too bad!!”—then he wore panty hose, which felt funny to me and I kept getting these lesbian dreams from those things—LOL!!—anyways, it took time—
Pretty soon, he progressed with one more item—I call this “taking baby steps” and that is how I learned to accept everything even now—it had to be done very slowly and at my comfort zone—after all, as I explained to him, he had many years of getting up to this level, and I had no years seeing this kind of thing—he had to go slowly for me to go there with him—
Also, I told him to imagine me without makeup (HORRORS!!!) and with my hair cut in a crew cut style—(I would look awful for sure!!)—and then smoking a cigar and wearing a western cowboy look—and then I asked him if he could picture me like that and I told him I needed him to have sex with me like that, what would he think?? He was honest and replied he wouldn’t like me that way—so I asked him, �Why not? I’m still the same girl underneath,� as he used to say to me the same thing—he would always wear his femme outfits and tell me, �Why don’t you just love me? I’m still the same guy underneath.� Hee-hee—that took care of that!!! He finally saw how I was viewing things—you have to spell it out for them—they think just because they accept themselves dressed as females, that we shouldn’t have problems with it, as they see it as no big deal—
However, they do know that MOST women would have problems looking at a man dressed that way—and that is why they hide it from us—they know what the reaction would be–
Another thing, you asked what quality I have that helped me? I have to say, I think having a sense of humor—I laugh at this at times, and he does too—and we both can feel at ease that way—-if you take it too seriously, you get depressed—
Also, he helped me accept him as he was as I could see that he came to bed the first few times looking forlorn and depressed and ashamed very badly—and I felt sorry for him—and knew that he had told me he wanted someone his whole life to accept him as he was, but didn’t get it—and I knew he meant it, so I wanted to please him as he was trying to please me by doing things I wanted him to do—such as the dishes, wash the floors, etc.—and that made me want to give up something for him as well—-
I know that if he had told me the truth back then, I would have hightailed it out of dodge for sure—I certainly wasn’t raised to have sex with a kink in it—and I associated this as something very forbidden, weird, and bad—
Anyways, my husband and I are very much in love now, we don’t fight anymore, and we reconnected to each other in just two months with the marriage counselor—we always were best of friends, but got a little sidetracked, I believe, due to the crossdressing issues—first of all, I did not understand when I was younger how important this issue was to my husband—and he did not understand that he needed to negotiate and teach me how to tolerate him this way—now he understands my side, and I understand his—and we respect each other on this issue—.)
Gidget, the world will miss you – I have no doubt. Wherever you are, thank you for your kindess & help, your thoughtfulness and humor.
To Gidget’s husband: she ROCKED. My condolences to you on your loss of such a fantastic woman, wife, and mother.
Anyone who knew her who visits here is welcome to leave a comment.
Brooklyn & Beyond
Last night, my husband and I got to meet two other married CDs who live near us. One came with his wife, and the other promised his wife would make our next gathering.
I don’t know if I can explain how satisfying it is to meet others who live nearby. There is a whole different feeling of companionship – and for lack of a better word, regularness – about meeting other couples face to face.
We are all expecting to invite others we know, and are already planning our next meeting.
That said, I would love to provide a space for others to meet people in their local area, and I think the message boards at this site might be the perfect venue. So please, use this forum to find others in your area:
Local Gatherings Message Board
Smaller Video
Hey all, I managed to cut the file size in half of the promo video and it seems to be streaming now, which is a good thing. So, for those who didn’t get a chance to see it (and my lovely wife) check it out!
Massachusetts Supreme Court Ruling
Massachusetts First State in Nation to Grant Same-Sex Couples the Right to a Civil Marriage
WASHINGTON – The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled today that same- and opposite-sex couples must be given equal civil marriage rights under the state constitution. The ruling in Goodridge et al. v. Department of Public Health makes the state the first in the nation to grant same-sex couples the right to a civil marriage license. Ruling that civil marriage in Massachusetts means “the voluntary union of two persons as spouses, to the exclusion of all others,” the Court allowed the Legislature 180 days to change the civil marriage statutes
accordingly.
“Today, the Massachusetts Supreme Court made history,” said Elizabeth Birch, executive director of the Human Rights Campaign. “This ruling will never interfere with the right of religious institutions – churches, synagogues and mosques – to determine who will be married within the context of their respective religious faiths. This is about whether gay and lesbian couples in long-term, committed relationships will be afforded the benefits, rights and protections afforded other citizens to best care for their partners and children. This is good
for gay couples and it is good for America.”
Key results from the ruling:
1. Same sex couples in Massachusetts who choose to obtain a civil marriage license will now be able to:
-Visit each other in the hospital, without question;
-Make important health care and financial decisions for each other;
-Have mutual obligations to provide support for each other;
-File joint state tax returns, and have the burden and advantages of the state tax law for married couples; and
-Receive hundreds of other protections under state law.
2. Churches and other religious institutions will not have to recognize or perform ceremonies for these civil marriages. This ruling is not about religion; it’s about the civil responsibilities and protections afforded through a government-issued civil marriage license.
3. By operation of law, all married couples should be extended the more than 1,000 federal protections and responsibilities administered at the federal level. Because no state has recognized civil marriage for same-sex couples in the past, the so-called Defense of Marriage Act has not yet been challenged in court.
4. Other states and some businesses may legally recognize the civil marriages of same-sex couples performed in Massachusetts the same way they treat those of opposite-sex couples.
The Boston-based Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD) brought the case on behalf of seven gay and lesbian couples after they were denied civil marriage certificates solely because they were same-sex couples.
“GLAD and Mary Bonauto, its leading lawyer, did an outstanding job arguing this case with professionalism and passion. This tremendous victory would not have been possible without their exemplary efforts,” said Birch.
The Human Rights Campaign signed onto a “friend of the court” brief in Goodridge to support and further explain the case for extending civil marriage rights to same-sex couples under the state constitution. A variety of other civil rights organizations, religious groups, child welfare experts, family and legal historians and others also either signed or filed briefs of their own in favor of extending civil marriage laws to same-sex couples.
For the full text of HRC’s press release, please visit:
HRC site
Kirkus Review
This just in, my first official review:
“The forthright wife of a transvestite offers a revealing look inside the little-known world of transgendered men and their female partners. Boyd (a pseudonym), founder of an online support group for cross-dressers and their partners, pulls no punches here in telling her primary audience, women with cross-dressing boyfriends or husbands what she has learned from both personal experience and five years of research. Among the questions she tackles are why some men cross-dress and why women choose to stay with them. Profiling six couples from her online support group to demonstrate that there are various ways of dealing with cross-dressing, Boyd opens with a brief introduction to each couple (and photos of some), then let them describe themselves and their relationship in their own words. Elsewhere, she discusses the pros and cons of coming out, the most common sexual problems of cross-dressers, and the differences and similarities among cross-dressers, transsexuals, and homosexuals. She argues that cross-dressers, some of whom are quite adamant about being heterosexual and resist any linkage with other transgendered groups, could learn a lot from the gay community about facing harassment, discrimination in employment, and rejection from friends and family. The book has a helter-skelter feel: Boyd mixes big topics like history, politics, and psychology with up-close and personal material about cross-dressers she has come to know and like, her personal experiences living with a cross dresser, her clashes with those whose views she does not share. Whatever its organizational faults, however they’re balanced by the author’s honest voicing of her opinions, misgivings and fears. Back-of-the-book material includes a glossary of expressions and abbreviations used in the transgendered community, with supplemental terms that should have been folded into the main entry; an alphabetical list by first name of all the people mentioned in the text, which serves no readily discernible purpose; a chatty annotated bibliography, and a list of resources from cross-dressers and their significant others. Makes abundantly clear the complexities of life with a cross-dresser.”
– Kirkus Reviews, 11/15/2003
October 11th: National Coming Out Day
I read an FAQ at the Human Rights’ Campaign’s website yesterday about Nat’l Coming Out Day, and was quite pleased to see that ‘transvestite’ made their short list of transgender categories.
http://www.hrc.org/ncop/faqs.asp
What occurred to me is that it would be great if crossdressers could really rally to coming out to someone this year: a wife, if she doesn’t know yet; children or parents, or more likely, a friend. Even if you’re not ready for that, you could come out to a stranger: go buy those size 11 pumps and tell the clerk at Payless (or Kenneth Cole) they’re for you!
Of course there are a million reasons to come out (a bunch of them are in the FAQ above) but I think the best reason is it can make YOU feel better. In the long run, of course, every crossdresser who comes out makes some other crossdresser’s life a little bit easier. (Shoot, look at how liberating Eddie Izzard’s being out has been for so many of us! But more on him some other time.)
So what do you think? Will you come out to someone this October 11th?
Eddie Izzard
You *have* all heard of Eddie Izzard by now, haven’t you?
He’s a comedian & actor who happens to be a transvestite, and who performs – as he did last night here in New York – in heels, skirt, & makeup. He’s done a couple of routines about being a transvestite as well – the famous one about “executive transvestites” and “weirdo transvestites” is a favorite of mine, but last night he did a whole routine based on how much superheroes & transvestites have in common:
“Both superheroes and tranvestites have to change before they help…” but then mimed a whole scene where a kid gets hurt and the tranvestite takes so long to get there (because it takes him 20 min to put on his makeup) he only arrives in time to trace the body outline with his lipliner!
He’s brilliantly funny about this stuff, a kind of comedic ambassador for transvestites everywhere!! (He’s also an incredibly talented actor, as well).
Anyway find out if he’s touring near you, and about his other adventures, at his official website, www.eddieizzard.com
and here’s the NY Times review of his show.
How To Tell Your Wife
I was recently asked by a CD how he should tell his wife on a mailing list I’m on, & since this is definitely one my most “Frequently Asked Questions” I thought I’d post the ’10 Guidelines For Telling Your Wife or Girlfriend” here. It always makes me so happy to know a CD wants to tell his wife. I know the urge is a little bit selfish on the part of the CDer, but it’s also a great sign of the respect & love he has for his wife.
After that, there is no simple answer. There is no guarantee she’ll deal well with the new info, or accept you. That said, I still think it’s worth it.
The things I’ve learned in doing the research are that:
1) The sooner a man tells his wife the better. Before marriage is best, but still – the sooner the better.
2) Know what your CDing means to you, so you can talk to her about it in some intelligent, sensitive way. If after you tell her, every answer afterward is “I don’t know” she’ll freak out. Be prepared for the ‘Are you gay?’ and ‘Do you want to be a woman?’ questions, & don’t get upset when she asks them.
3) Does she know gay & lesbian people? Any close friends or family members? Does she have any firsthand experience of discrimination or feeling ‘different’? How does she feel about being a woman, herself (ie is she a feminist, traditionally feminine, tomboyish, etc?) But keep in mind her general open-mindedness or political liberalness might go right out the window on this issue.
4) I’d recommend not hitting her with all of it at once – that is, tell her a story about yourself as a kid, putting on your mom’s nylons or whatever your first childhood experience was. Make sure you bring this up in a quiet time between you, conversationally, & you give her time to tell some childhood stories of her own. (In general, the ‘announcement’ method isn’t very good, it has to be more of a conversation, as unconfrontational as it can be.) Or, you can say you’ve been thinking about doing some female character for Halloween (please not a hooker or slut! Wonder Woman, an Amazon, some cool woman or heroine is usually better!) & see how she reacts. If she wants to play Charlie Chaplin to your Louise Brooks… you know she can ‘play’.
That doesn’t mean you can stop there. She needs to know the whole of it. I’m just saying it might be a good conversation starter. Eventually you will have to explain why you didn’t tell her sooner, apologize for not having done so, and be clear that you understand you screwed up.
5) This one’s personal: letting your fear & vulnerability about how scared you are of her acceptance worked like a charm in our case! All women differ, though – sometimes a woman might freak out if you come off as too feminine, or ‘soft’ – it depends on her. If she thinks it’s great you can cry at sad movies, then she might appreciate how much it means to you/hard hard it is for you to tell her. Not in a ‘woe is me’ kind of way – but just so she knows you’re sharing something about yourself that you wouldn’t trust most people to know.
6) After you tell her, don’t bring it up again until SHE does. In the meantime, read some books about women (not glamor magazines, biographies of famous women, or gender theory, or whatever. I just read “Am I A Woman?” by Cynthia Eller & recommend that.)
7) If she is accepting, make sure it’s fun for her and not all about you! Let her take the lead in figuring out how it can be. That is, if you suggest she be Charlie Chaplin for Halloween, she’ll just feel bad – but if she decides to, it might be totally empowering for her! Alternately, I’ve now heard of three happy younger couples who all went, for their first Halloween together, as “starlets.” You both get to glam up & feel sexy –
8) If she’s freaked out by it, drop the subject & wait wait wait to bring it up again. Don’t wait forever, but do give her time to sort out her own emotions about it. Be sensitive – if she seems like she needs to talk, ask her if she wants to. But don’t start the conversation with “So have you made up your mind about my crossdressing?” but more with something like “Do you have any questions?” Don’t assume crossdressing is what she wants to talk about. She may be wanting to discuss your little problem with leaving your dirty clothes outside the hamper.
9) Know your wife, make sure you keep up all the other romantic things you do for/with her. Bring her flowers, buy her gifts, & be less inhibited about telling her how much she means to you. Don’t lay it on too thick – just tell her how you feel about her, honestly. You CDs are all romantics, imho, so let it out!! Re-emphasize your non-CD life together, even if she is totally accepting! (as I like to put it, I don’t mind having a girlfriend, too, but I still always want my husband!)
10) Listen until your ears bleed. You have “known” a CD all your life – but this is probably the first time she’s met one! So it will take her time to get the idea wrapped around her head. In fact, when you first tell her, what you’re telling her may not even ‘register’ at some level. She won’t have any idea in the beginning that this is a permanent thing. Expect phases of anger, sadness, fury,disappointment. Try to remember that if you, as a CD, sometimes wish you weren’t a CD, she’ll have similar feelings.
P.S. If the husband needs to stay in the closet, so that she can’t tell anyone either, make sure she knows there are other wives of CDs who she can get to know & let off some steam with.